Shit On By A Bird!

Now if you've started reading this expecting to find that a pigeon has taken a dump on my head or that I've been experimenting with some sort of scat with Milla Jovovich I apologise because it will disappoint. Unfortunately it's another in a long line of life beats dealt to Yorkshire Pudding and yet another that seems to involve women.

Readers from my hacked blog will remember me mentioning a potential Mrs P that I had been kind of seeing for a little while and who had a boyfriend. The past few weeks we've got on like a house on fire and talked about everything and anything and we felt really really close. There was a special connection there which was confirmed when we sent each other an almost identical text at the same time as each other. All was good if you discounted the fact she lived whith her kid and boyfriend and I was stuck here in the pub. However we both made plans for that to change.

The idea was for her to get a place of her own and for me to try find somewhere so that we could do the whole dating thing properly because she'd never really done it plus we'd get to know each other more when we weren't having to sneak about and lie to people. Unfortunately circumstances changed and the pub I am living in has been bought out by another company and they want to change the terms and conditions of the landlords contract. Long story short he's not accepting so I really do need to fuck off out of here very very soon. I put the idea to potential Mrs P that, although not ideal, how about we found a place and moved in together. After all we have been basically live apart partners for 4 months. It might be risky but she agreed to it and the house hunting began.

Last Friday she went to look at a flat and she said it was really nice and that she wouldn't mind it so I started making mental plans for the move. On the Friday night she and her boyfriend were going to meet his brother, a friend of mine, for a few beers and she asked if I wanted to go and I went. After a good night I ended up back at hers and she fell asleep on the sofa whilst me and her boyfriend talked drunken bollocks. Mistake number 1. I agree it was a bit strange but I'm talkative, especially when pissed! Anyway, she went up to bed, I jumped on the sofa and fell asleep and he must have followed her up. He was working in the morning and set off about 0800 and woke me up. I went upstairs to see if she wanted a drink and sat on the edge of the bed and gave her a cuddle. She seemed weird and I asked if she wanted me to leave and she said yes soI did. I text to see what was wrong and got the usual "I'm tired" etc so left it at that.

She text me on the Saturday night and told me regardless of what happens she would always love me which set alarm bells ringing. During the Sunday she hardly text but when she did she went on about how she felt dirty because as soon as one man left her bed she let another in. During Monday she hardly replied or text either so I knew something was the matter. Then on Tuesday she hits me with something along the lines of she can't do this anymore and that us moving right in together wouldn't work and she wouldn't do it and only agreed to it to keep me happy etc. I asked if there was still going to be a me and her and she said she couldn't reply to that right now because her head is full of too much shit and she didn't want to say something she didn't mean or that she'd regret. She sent another saying she'd never felt like this before and is scared about it in case I hurt her because she couldn't cope with it.

Now I'm not off into detail but she's had a fucking shit life so far and has been with some right wankers of men who have treated her really badly. She says she's never been in love properly until we met and that if I hurt her after all we'd said to each other and stuff (I know things about her even her boyfriend doesn't know) then it would finish her off. She already has trust issues and she'd never trust anyone again, it took me 4 months to get her to trust me properly. The impression I get is that she'd rather stay where she is and be unhappy with her total loser, junkie boyfriend than risk being hurt because of all the shite she's gone through when she was younger. Which basically means Pudding has been left high and dry. Once again the good guy gets left on the sidelines.

How do I feel? I'm not sure. Tuesday I was gutted. Totally gutted, like my heart had been ripped out. As I was texting her I had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. Then I became angry with her for what feels like using me and for me for letting myself be used. But now I honestly don't know what I feel. I suppose a little empty and numb. The girl I've dedicated my time to helping get over some issues and made feel good about herself isn't there anymore and it feels weird. I still can't get my head around it at all. I should be really upset or angry but I don't feel much at the minute. Like I said, I'm a little numb. She says she wants to see me over the weekend which I think means she's going to tell me once and for all that there is no us because she's not actually said as much yet. I suppose then it may hit home, who knows.

I don't know what the point of this post is to be honest and it's ranted on a little long now but I needed to talk to someone about it because not many people know about it so I can't talk to anyone about it if you catch my drift. Blogs are great for spewing feelings out and stuff and getting things off your chest so I guess this post has served it's purpose.

Well done for getting this far! Take care guys and thanks for reading.