Poker Heaven? Poker Hell More Like!

I decided to withdraw from Party Poker after seeing that I had paid almost $20 in rake after my 3k hands of NL5. This doesn't seem loads to an outsider but if I kept up the same rate of play in October I'd probably generate something like $100-150 of rake which with a 30% rakeback deal would be worth $30 to $50 which is pretty significant when my roll is only around $150! So I have waved goodbye to the uber-soft German opposition on Party, well until they at least offer me a reload bonus!

So that left me with a dilema of where to play. I wanted somewhere to play that had decent traffic (especially at the micros), was Poker Tracker compatible, could offer me a bonus, was easy to multitable and offered rakeback in some way, shape or form. I had a look at all the sites I have accounts with to see if I'd ever deposited with them or had rakeback etc. Here are the sites I have accounts with:

Absolute Poker - 30% Rakeback, never deposited
Betfair Poker - 30% Rakeback, never deposited
Bet on Bet Poker - 30% Rakeback, never deposited
Bodog Poker - 25% Rakeback, no current bonuses
CD Poker - 30% Rakeback, never deposited, rakeback may be invalid
DTD Poker - 30% Rakeback, no current bonuses, never deposited
Full Tilt Poker - 27% Rakeback, no current bonuses
Hollywood Poker - 30% Rakeback, can use points to buy bonuses
Mansion Poker - 36% Rakeback, never deposited
NoIQPoker - Loyalty bonus, cash for points, never deposited
Pacific Poker - No Rakeback, never deposited
Party Poker - No Rakeback, no current bonuses
Poker Heaven - 30% Rakeback, never deposited
Poker Stars - No Rakeback, $40 bonus pending
Sun Poker - 20-50% Rakeback, $100 bonus every month
Ultimate Bet - 30% Rakeback, approx $200 pending bonus dollars

Quite a few sites there, anyone would think I was addicted or something, LOL! Anyway, for some reason I decided to deposit at Poker Heaven, a Boss media skin, mainly due to the fact I fancied a change of scenery and wanted to play somewhere without the PAHUD infestation whilst collecting a bonus and earning rakeback. What a stupid fucking mistake that was! I shouldn't have bothered because I was already on life tilt when I came to re-install the software and make my deposit! Why life tilt? Well, I took the Landlord's car in the morning because I was running late and the weather was fucking dire, he'd said the night before I could borrow it so it wasn't a problem. Half way through the day I received a text asking me to pop to PC World and get some of that keyboard cleaning spray you can buy, no problem I thought, so when I finished work I drove down to PC World to see if I could find some. Now I must be a fucking retard for expecting a PC component store to sell products that clean your machine. Not even a fucking wet-wipe in sight! 20 minutes of storming around trying to find some cleaning materials and a member of staff proved fruitless and I was pissed off. My journey wasn't wasted though because I bought myself the new edition of Kaspersky Anti-Virus.

I bought Kaspersky because I'd heard great things about it and also because my Norton subscription ran out three days ago and I had no means to renew it online. I've never rated Norton so I didn't want to give them another £20 of my cash to subscribe for another year so I forked out an extra £10 for Kaspersky. Anyway, even this put me on deeper life tilt! I uninstalled Norton, restarted my machine and tried to install my new one. Computer says no. I try again and it tells me an installation is already in progress so I restart and try again. Computer says no. I try again and once more it tells me an installation is in progress so I restart for a 3rd time. I then try to call support but the lazy cunts go home at 1730 but they do have an online database to help you. Yes, I have no virus protection so I want to start surfing the net you pricks! Fuck me! Anyway it turns out that Kaspersky doesn't like Zone Alarm running when you install so I had to uninstall that, reboot, install Kaspersky, reboot for the 300th fucking time and all was ready to go. Or was it? It told me it wanted to do a full virus scan so I set it going whilst I shaved my head and had a shower. 2.75 hours passed and the cunt finished looking for beasties! I really need to lose some of the shit on my hard drive! So I was really fucked off at a night wasted doing nothing apart from answering some gay interview on my Facebook account (I'm becoming addicted to that!).

Back to poker. I reinstalled Poker Heaven and deposited to receive my 1st deposit bonus of 150% of the $150 I put on there. Deposit taken but no bonus in my pending account! TWAT! I fire up live help and get stuck talking to Demetrius who after 10 minutes tells me that this sometimes happens and to email them! Thanks mate. Despite my blood pressure being that of someone who's smoked 50 a day for 35 years I plod on and fire up 6 tables of full ring NL10, the smallest game they offer. First thing that strikes me is how slow it is so I check Poker Tracker to see how many hands per hour my 6 tables are logging. The answer? 134 hands per hour over all 6 tables or 22.33 hand per hour per table. Fucking hell! Pudding Jr could shuffle and deal quicker than that! There is no way I am losing EV by 6 tabling only to log 134 hands per hour! So after 15 minutes my flirt with Heaven was over and I went to cash out. First the cunts won't let me withdraw my cents then when the transaction goes through it tells me to expect to wait 1-4 days if they DON'T need any documents! Aaarrrggghhh, I can't take anymore of this shit! SO it looks like I'm pokerless until Monday, brilliant. Everytime I go on a bit of a heater something kicks me square in the bollocks!

Talking of bollocks I LOL'd at myself yesterday. I'd been having a bit of arse trouble due to some crazy pizza I had the night before and just before dinner I started getting a dull ache in my guts. Being a soldier I battled through for about an hour but it was getting worse and making me feel quite sick so I went to the bog to see if I needed another dump or to throw up! Turns out I had half strangled a plum in my undies and somehow not realised, LMFAO! A quick adjustment of my under carriage and all was right in the world again! Oh and just to put the icing on a fucking shit day I get a letter from my bank informing me that they are charging me £30 for going into the red by, listen to this, £0.30! Thirty fucking pence! I guarantee I will not be paying this anytime soon, especially as it is illegal for me to have an overdraft until January 2008 due to terms of my bankruptcy and they've effectively given me a £30 overdraft. Wankers! Going to phone them on my dinner which should mean my blood pressure will be back on the rise, can't wait!

Oh and I can't find my pen either and it's a fucking nice pen, £25 but still a damn nice pen. Thieving cunts! On a more positive note though check out Amafish's latest blog, pure comedy genius especially as it's going to end in tears and probably bloodshed! ***Grabs popcorn***

As always thanks for reading and best of luck avoiding life tilt, it's shit!