Regaining Control

Don't worry this isn't going to be a tale of woe and misery from Pudding but as this blog serves as a life diary as well as a poker one I thought I'd share my thoughts with you. Last night, for reasons unknown to me, I decided to take responsibility and retake control of my life and the actions I perform on a daily basis. I don't know what it was but it was like a lightswitch being flicked inside my head and something told me to get a grip and sort myself out!

Here's a bit of background. I left school when I was nearly 17 after dropping out of the 6th form half way through the second term basically because I couldn't be arsed with the daily grind of studying anymore. I did pretty well in my GCSE's obtaining 6xA's, 2xB's and 2xC's and was estimated 3xA's in my A-level subjects of Biology, Chemistry and Maths. See all this fucking about and talking wank on my blog bet you thought I was a bit of a retard?! LOL! I am naturally academic and never once revised or even tried hard at school. In every job I've done since leaving school I've learned the systems and procedures inside out within a month at the latest which is why I get bored very easily then get into trouble, probably because I don't find things challenging enough. A major downside to all this is I have become lazy. I literally could be anything I wanted in life but I just can't be arsed doing anything!The same goes for women too which is a pain and probably why I am single right now! After the chase and the impressing stage I seem to lose interest in them. It's not like I don't care for them or love them I just find it hard to keep that interest there all the time and fall into routines.

About five years ago I was booking a 2 week all inclusive holiday at Vilu Reef in the Maldives which was going to be paid for in cash. I had two cars, a motorbike, was in the process of buying my own house and only a little bit of debt. I was also making moves into studying for an accountancy qualification and a business studies degree. Then Pudding Jr came along. Now I don't blame him in the slightest but it changed everything totally in my life and at 21 years old, having done all the above it sent me into a spin. I couldn't handle the pressures I don't think. Things that Pudding's mum did or didn't do that I just brushed off under normal circumstances suddenly became cancers in our relationship. I started to detest her and everything about her and eventually ended up kind of cheating on her with a workmate. I didn't feel guilt at all, in fact I wanted to do it again so I decided to end the relationship before she totally hated me and also because I didn't want Jr bringing up in that environment. That's when the wheels fell off!

The debts were in my name despite being gained using both our wages and when we sold the house the profits only just covered these and the legal costs. It didn't help that for 6 months I paid half the mortgage and all the bills so she could live there with my son whilst I stopped in hotels, B&B's and friends and family's houses. Then Jr's mum was an arse about seeing him so I ended up getting a bunch of solicitor fees trying to gain proper access to him which didn't help. I started buying clothes on my credit card and drinking quite a bit and smoking and spending a load on diesel travelling to see friends I'd not seen for ages. I then started seeing former Mrs P and we stopped in hotels loads of times at £60 odd a time and going out on our credit cards, racking up bills on the piss and stuff. When I realised I was in a financial mess I tried to get a consolidation loan which was accepted but another company promised me a cheaper rate and when I applied for that they fucking turned me down and the other offer was withdrawn! Because of applying for credit loads of times I was almost blacklisted and my monthly bills were almost my entire wage and I was in shit street. The bankruptcy finally took place in April 06 and former Mrs P and I didn't last much longer after that and we split and got back together before finally splitting for good again. I started taking pills and coke at an alarming rate along with getting pissed all the time and spending money like it was water because I didn't care, I was in self destruct mode with no money, little in the way of possessions and no partner either.

A few months ago I had a big drugs binge and ended up a bit of a mess and chewing the ear of former Mrs P and she probably thought I was a right twat. With all the above, combined with the reality of what I had wasted, being almost homeless and the stress of the current goings on with potential Mrs P I'd reached breaking point. I was in trouble at work and I spent most of my waking day thinking and over thinking situations and getting myself in a real mess. I was then diagnosed with Pure-O OCD and I decided something needed to be done. I stopped taking any pharmaceuticals and didn't touch anything for 10 weeks but I was still drinking an average of 5-6 pints of cider a day, often alone upstairs playing poker. Then a couple of weeks ago I had an E and it sent me over the edge and I was uber-emotional via text with my mum and I realised something needed to be done in my life. The holiday came at a great time and it really sorted me out, giving me time to think clearly and set myself some goals and try get some stability, which I need otherwise I go off the rails.

That brings us up to now or their abouts. I've always worried about "what if" and have often just drifted around worrying about the worse case scenarios of situations and trying to control things I couldn't. Amatay's comments yesterday where he said his former tutor told him to control the controllables and basically let everything else sort itself out struck a cord. There is no need for me to stress about certain things, namely potential Mrs P situation, because I have doe what I can now and have no control at all over what she decides to do. What I can control is what I do and put into my body and sort myself education and job wise. I've always drunk a lot and that's not likely to change but since coming back to England at 0300 on Tuesday morning I have consumed the total of 5 pints and that includes working behind the bar last night whilst the football is on. I've not bought any cans and haven't missed having more than one beer when I finish work. I've been smoking a lot but I have decided that once my duty free fags run out, I have 60 left, I'm going to try and quit the evil weed again because although I like a smoke my family tree filled with heart disease and cancer tells me I shouldn't! I'm going to really push to get an apartment and build myself a base from which I can rise from again and get back on track. Once there I am going to eat a lot more healthily and try to get back to the gym and may even ask Amafish for some pointers with him being a sport science genius!

Job wise I'm not going to do this for the rest of my life and it's unlikely poker is going to fund anything major so I need to educate myself further and give myself a fighting chance. I can't, by law, study for any financial qualifications due to my bankruptcy but I can study a degree for free so I'm going to look into that once I am settled, possibly business or Psychology. I'm going to combine that with learning a new language, probably Spanish, as these open doors wherever you go plus I pick up new languages very easily. I'm going to try start some sort of savings fund and a pension too and take control over my future rather than just hope something sorts itself out when I'm old and wrinkly. Basically I'm going to sort my fucking life out! I'm thinking much clearer now and am slowly getting back to my old self, I keep having slip up by worrying about stuff but I'm also taking control of that too. I've asked potential Mrs P to write me a letter with how she feels and what she wants to happen and if it becomes a Dear John letter then so be it, it wasn't meant be. It'd be a crying shame and I'd be gutted but I'd get over it, I always do plus I can finally get on with my life and make plans without her etc.

I don't let people push me around and dictate what I can and can't do when I play poker so why should I in my real life? It's going to be a very testing time over the next month or so with the house move and the finale of the potential Mrs P saga but slowly but surely I am going to pick myself up and start to retake control over my life and start to make some progress rather than sitting in my hole feeling sorry for myself! You don't get anything in this world for nothing and it's rare that opportunities and the like fall into your lap. It's time to start making things happen.

Well done for getting this far! Sorry if it seems like a rant or whatever but this is my place to talk, even if it is only to myself!

Thanks for reading and best of luck in life! Pudding is back!