Too Much Pressure?

Writer's block is fucking awful. It's the equivalent of wanker's cramp for a 14 year old lad, it just doesn't bear thinking about, but I have it right now so like wanker's cramp I must battle through it to become stronger! I never pre-write my entries on here, instead I choose to just start writing and see what comes out, that way I feel like the represent me more because they are natural and not forced or trying too hard to be funny or sad or whatever but sometimes, for whatever reasons, it doesn't work and it frustrates the hell out of me. I've started this blog post 7 times so far and each time it has been deleted because it doesn't feel or sound right, even this is fucking dire but it's staying in as today's entry! I feel like an impotent man who wants to fuck his wife so badly but his cock is looking at his shoes! Hopefully this will pass and we'll be back on track tomorrow or maybe tonight.

I'm at a crossroads with my online poker at the minute and although I still love playing I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to play my primary game of ring games and I'm not sure if I have the time for MTT's right now so I don't know what the immediate future holds for me. I'm not about to give it up but I need to have a think about what my actual goals are and how realistic these goals are and how I am going to go about hitting them. My break abroad helped me sort my head with regards to my life etc but it has seriously fucked my game up somewhere along the way! Maybe I need to be fucked up mentally to be profitable? I think to be honest things will be better on Tuesday when I get paid because I am seriously skint at the minute (got £30 left) and I'm still unaware of what is happening with the housing situation because the brewery hasn't given the landlord a date to fuck off but it is just a matter of time so that is in the back of my mind I guess although I'm not really let it bother me at present. I'm also semi-worried that there are only 4 paydays until Christmas and with me 100% certain moving by then and needing house stuff I'm not going to be able to afford to save much cash for Pudding Jr's presents never mind anyone elses.

I think overall I'm just putting a bit too much pressure on myself to perform on the poker scene to make up the shortfall in my money! I can deal with the other shit now without too much effort but I've always worried about cash, doesn't everyone? I've started looking at poker again as money and I'm looking at the first place of a 4/180 as just $216 and not the glory if you like of winning. When I came second the other month I won $144 which was nice but I was gutted that I hadn't won, I need to get that will to win back from somewhere, hopefully it'll come back tonight when I play some 4/180's and maybe some $1 and $2 MTT's. I want to get back to playing because I want to win and think of the money as a bonus not all there is to play for.

On a brighter note I've realised I really miss tits and the nipple in particular. People always ask me if I'm a breast, leg or arse man and I'm none, I guess I like everything but the last couple of days I can't stop looking at women's jugs! There are loads of low cut blouses at work and on the way home on the bus lately and I can't help letching like a right old perv. Usually one either side does me fine but I'd just love to have a play with some for half hour and give them a bite and whatever just for the sake of it. One problem with me thinking more straight and stopping smoking and cutting down booze is my sex drive starts to go a bit crazy which is fucking shit when you're skint and single. Maybe I should advertise for a fuck buddy, LMAO! Well I have started networking on my new FaceBook!

Oh and come back Kenn you fucking big fish. Your blog has been deleted so I will have to find another way to stalk you and spreasd my man love.

Thanks for reading guys and good luck at the tables.